Temagami
A day when we are all ready for our trip
Tents, packs, wanagins, and canoes and were ready to paddle
Long and painful portages
Long day of paddling
Wet and cold shoes in the morning
A nice warm fire at night
A warm sleeping bag
A warm tent
With all your friends around you.
Alex Parker
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
5 comments:
Alex
I like how u captured the feel of the little things
"Wet and cold shoes in the morning
A nice warm fire at night
A warm sleeping bag
A warm tent"
I think you could have gotten rid of some air words
example: "AND were ready to paddle"
hey
i like ur poem but i think it is a bit short and you can add a bit more detail to both of your poems because there are a few air words..
scott
PARKER -
lots of air words like A nice war fire, A warm tent - they are not needed. also try to explain some of your points in more detail - describe long painful portages with vivid words, the day of paddling - how did it feel?
Put some alex parker into this poem!
I think it is pritty good but it's way to short because you didnt realy describe anything when you are writing something e.g. Tents, packs, wanagins, and canoes and were ready to paddle is not detailed. I think you need to work on it. Also you need to stop useing air words, to use the same word more than once right beside eachother is not capturing the big picture
That's awsome thanks dudes
Post a Comment